7 weeks, 6 days

I was asked recently how I was doing, well I am asked that all the time...but this time it was followed by additional questions, one being, "are you blaming God?" Previous to this, I hadn't really given the idea of blaming God much thought. I don't believe He caused this or that he wanted our baby to die, He knows what it is like to lose a son. This world is a sinful place, and our sin has caused our suffering. As I thought more about God's role in this situation, He is certainly not to blame, but deserves the glory for us making it this far. He didn't heal our son, but He is healing me everyday and His hand is so obviously at work in this situation. The day I received the call from the doctor, my mom "happened" to be with me. The day I went into labor my sister and brother in law were in town to watch the kids so both sets of our parents could be with us at the hospital. My mom just "happened" to be with me again when I went into labor. My c-section recovery has also been miraculous, I have felt physically normal since about day 7. These are just a few of the big examples, there have been countless times when in my darkest moments He is there. I know God is at work around and in me everyday, but it is so easy not to stop and notice and give him the thanks he deserves. One of my goals is to notice Him more and be thankful.

3 weeks, 2 days

3 weeks have gone very quickly. The kids have kept me going. We are back into our normal routine and I feel pretty normal physically. Mike and I have good days and bad, there have been days when I haven't cried. Those days are beginning to come more frequently. I am planning for the future, Mike and I are taking a trip for my 30th birthday at the end of February and we are planning on getting pregnant again as soon as the doctor says it is okay. Hope has kept me going through this whole thing and I feel like my hope is getting more hopeful.
Andrew asked yesterday if we could have another baby and if this one could survive. Ugh. I told him that was our plan and Lucas' condition was really rare and that everything should be fine next time, I really believe it will. He then asked a lot of questions about Heaven, he is such a thinker! He wanted to know what it would look like, if people in Heaven can see and hear us down here, if Lucas would grow up or if he would stay a baby. I did my best to describe Heaven and told him that I didn't know for sure what it would be like, but I did know that we would be praising God. He wanted to know if he was going to Heaven next, and I tried to explain how normally older people go to Heaven when their bodies are worn out and they need new ones. I assured him he would go to Heaven after Mommy and Daddy, and oh how I pray that is true. He seemed satisfied with my answers, I wonder what he will ask next?
People have been really wonderful to us, we have been given very kind cards and gifts. I have been told that it is common to lose friends in a situation like this because people don't know what to say to you, so they don't say anything. I am thankful that I have not seen this happening to us. We have an amazing support system of family and friends and I give them a lot of credit for us getting this far, they have been invaluable. Of course, the majority of the credit goes to God. Losing a child is something He knows a lot about and He has certainly carried us through this and continues to do so. I'm not sure when I will be through it, I'm not sure I ever will. But, I am starting to believe that life will feel normal and happy again and losing Lucas will not overshadow everything forever.

Thursday December 30, 2010

I know that my baby was in Heaven before I even knew he had died. But, it is still really difficult to think about and deal with his body. My parents have been handling most of this. But, I needed to know where he was and what he was in. We chose to have Lucas cremated and our original plan was to place him in an above ground mausoleum. However, I guess there aren't any of those around here. My dad thought he found one, but they bury the ashes in the ground in a section of the cemetery called baby land. That name creeps me out. I don't want him buried because I am not ready to make a final decision about where that should be. I did not think that this was something I needed to plan for at this time in my life. Now we don't know what to do with his ashes. Do we put them in our safe, my parents offered their safe, we have discussed a safe deposit box at the bank. None of these seem like the right place to put my baby. I didn't expect to have such an issue with this. I know that his body is just an empty shell and that his soul is in in Heaven, so why is this so hard? I guess it is hard just like every other piece of this situation has been. You just shouldn't have to bury your children, it feels wrong and unnatural and all together awful.

Monday December 27, 2010

Some ugly truths....I think I am out of tears, I feel like I am crying constantly on the inside, but few tears actually come. Tonight they came more than usual.
Nothing could have prepared me for holding a lifeless baby. I did not realize the limpness and color that I would see. I wasn't ready to see Lucas that way and when I think of him I see a plump, pink and strong baby growing inside of me.
A c-section hurts a lot worse when you aren't holding your newborn in your arms.
My breasts are like an unemployed worker, they are ready and eager to provide valuable nourishment to my precious baby, but they can't find a job.
Everything is a reminder of what I have lost, tonight I feel that more than I have in the past few days. I am mad, furious, pissed at this whole thing. I want my baby back.
I have a new follower that I do not know....I am guessing that you are walking a road similar to mine. If you want to talk I would be happy to give you my phone number, email me at emilypaton03@yahoo.com if you want to. I spoke with a friend of a friend early on and it was really helpful to me (thanks Caitlin).
Time to take my sleeping pills so I can rest this brain that won't quit. Until next time.....

Sunday December 26, 2010

Sunday my family came over that would normally be at my grandparents' house. It was a nice day, kinda quiet. More presents....oh my! We talked about Lucas a little bit and it was okay. I haven't really mentioned Drew's reaction to all of this and that is because he hasn't really had one. I'm not sure if we will see his grief manifest in various ways over the next few weeks or if his 4 year old reaction to all of this was just acceptance and he has moved on. We explained to him what happened and he saw my super cool staples and he just seems really okay. Praise the Lord! I'm not totally sure what happens now. Tomorrow the Christmas festivities will be over and we will start returning to life as usual. Mike is taking at least this next week off work. My dad has thankfully taken care of all the funeral home arrangements. Tomorrow the coroner will sign the death certificate and then the cremation will happen. I am working really hard at not thinking about any of that. We have decided to place his ashes in a mausoleum at a cemetery. Again, my dad is handling all of that. I don't plan on seeing his ashes any time soon. We are not having a formal service for him. There has been a lot of talking and processing happening naturally over the last couple days and we feel like that is the kind of thing we need right now. I will update again. I know his passing is the end of some things, but only the beginning of so many others. I am trusting God to lead me through these next few weeks and months just as he has the past few months. He has given me a lot of hope, this is certainly a tough situation, but even in the midst of it I feel hope.

Saturday December 25, 2010

Christmas! Typically, we do the Santa thing and then load up and head to Mike's parents' house for the morning and early afternoon. We spend the late afternoon and evening at my grandparents' house. Of course, having just had a cesarean, I was not up for all this. Thankfully, Mike's family was willing to bring Christmas to us. They all came and brought all the food and everything. The kids had a fantastic and normal Christmas. I felt like there was a cloud hanging over my day. I could forget my pain for a few moments, but it was never far from the surface. When Olivia laid down for her nap, I tried to do the same. I didn't get a whole lot of sleep, but some quiet time to let my emotions out was much needed. My emotions are very raw and difficult to contain....between the pain meds, the hormones, the exhaustion, the loss....there's just not a lot of ability to keep my tears at bay. Sometimes I am not sure how my eyes are ever dry, but they are. I think I am healing. For the first time in a long time I feel like there is healing happening and I am perhaps moving out of this instead of treading water in the middle of it. There is some relief that we finally have closure and that we are no longer waiting for the worst day of our lives; that day is done and we survived it, by the grace of God.

Friday December 24, 2010

Our plan for Christmas Eve was to have the kids open our presents in the morning and then open presents from my parents in the evening after church, we wanted to keep to plan as closely as possible. We were eager to leave the hospital and get home. It was very difficult to leave empty handed. I cried all the way. I even asked the nurse if there were any babies at the hospital that needed a mommy. It was pathetic, but I thought that there could be a scared young girl needing a safe place for her baby. There actually was such a girl there, but she had already chosen adoptive parents.
We arrived home around 11:30 am, just as Andrew started throwing up. Nothing like a sick child to pull you out of your sadness and throw you into your mom role. He didn't feel like opening any presents for a while, but started to feel better about 7:00 and they opened all their gifts as we had planned. It was a fantastic distraction. My parents stayed until around midnight and helped us set up for Santa and clean up the house a bit.
I held together pretty well until I looked at a picture of Lucas on my phone. I talked for a while and began to feel a bit better.