6 months

It has been 6 months. Seems like a short time, but a lot has happened and a lot has changed. I continue to try to become pregnant and it still isn't happening. Kind of boggling at first, but recently the reason seems obvious. We feel very clearly that God is leading us toward adoption. I still want to have a baby, I have the desire to be pregnant. At this point, we are moving forward with both adoption and continuing to try to become pregnant. We are talking with a birthmom now who is due in September. She is talking to lots of couples, so I am trying not to get too excited. I am excited to see how God grows our family.
This evening we were at my parents' house and I asked to see Lucas' ashes. This is the first time I have seen or held them. It was not at all what I expected. First, they looked different than I envisioned, they were "chunky" and not much of them. But, mostly it felt different than I thought it would. Those ashes are not my baby. My baby has a beautiful and healthy body in Heaven.
The feelings are still overwhelming at times, but the joy of life is definitely outweighing the sadness and grief.
Onward we go, I am starting to consider how I want to celebrate Lucas' first birthday. I'm not sure how best to handle that day. I guess I have 6 months to figure it out.