Thursday December 30, 2010

I know that my baby was in Heaven before I even knew he had died. But, it is still really difficult to think about and deal with his body. My parents have been handling most of this. But, I needed to know where he was and what he was in. We chose to have Lucas cremated and our original plan was to place him in an above ground mausoleum. However, I guess there aren't any of those around here. My dad thought he found one, but they bury the ashes in the ground in a section of the cemetery called baby land. That name creeps me out. I don't want him buried because I am not ready to make a final decision about where that should be. I did not think that this was something I needed to plan for at this time in my life. Now we don't know what to do with his ashes. Do we put them in our safe, my parents offered their safe, we have discussed a safe deposit box at the bank. None of these seem like the right place to put my baby. I didn't expect to have such an issue with this. I know that his body is just an empty shell and that his soul is in in Heaven, so why is this so hard? I guess it is hard just like every other piece of this situation has been. You just shouldn't have to bury your children, it feels wrong and unnatural and all together awful.

Monday December 27, 2010

Some ugly truths....I think I am out of tears, I feel like I am crying constantly on the inside, but few tears actually come. Tonight they came more than usual.
Nothing could have prepared me for holding a lifeless baby. I did not realize the limpness and color that I would see. I wasn't ready to see Lucas that way and when I think of him I see a plump, pink and strong baby growing inside of me.
A c-section hurts a lot worse when you aren't holding your newborn in your arms.
My breasts are like an unemployed worker, they are ready and eager to provide valuable nourishment to my precious baby, but they can't find a job.
Everything is a reminder of what I have lost, tonight I feel that more than I have in the past few days. I am mad, furious, pissed at this whole thing. I want my baby back.
I have a new follower that I do not know....I am guessing that you are walking a road similar to mine. If you want to talk I would be happy to give you my phone number, email me at emilypaton03@yahoo.com if you want to. I spoke with a friend of a friend early on and it was really helpful to me (thanks Caitlin).
Time to take my sleeping pills so I can rest this brain that won't quit. Until next time.....

Sunday December 26, 2010

Sunday my family came over that would normally be at my grandparents' house. It was a nice day, kinda quiet. More presents....oh my! We talked about Lucas a little bit and it was okay. I haven't really mentioned Drew's reaction to all of this and that is because he hasn't really had one. I'm not sure if we will see his grief manifest in various ways over the next few weeks or if his 4 year old reaction to all of this was just acceptance and he has moved on. We explained to him what happened and he saw my super cool staples and he just seems really okay. Praise the Lord! I'm not totally sure what happens now. Tomorrow the Christmas festivities will be over and we will start returning to life as usual. Mike is taking at least this next week off work. My dad has thankfully taken care of all the funeral home arrangements. Tomorrow the coroner will sign the death certificate and then the cremation will happen. I am working really hard at not thinking about any of that. We have decided to place his ashes in a mausoleum at a cemetery. Again, my dad is handling all of that. I don't plan on seeing his ashes any time soon. We are not having a formal service for him. There has been a lot of talking and processing happening naturally over the last couple days and we feel like that is the kind of thing we need right now. I will update again. I know his passing is the end of some things, but only the beginning of so many others. I am trusting God to lead me through these next few weeks and months just as he has the past few months. He has given me a lot of hope, this is certainly a tough situation, but even in the midst of it I feel hope.

Saturday December 25, 2010

Christmas! Typically, we do the Santa thing and then load up and head to Mike's parents' house for the morning and early afternoon. We spend the late afternoon and evening at my grandparents' house. Of course, having just had a cesarean, I was not up for all this. Thankfully, Mike's family was willing to bring Christmas to us. They all came and brought all the food and everything. The kids had a fantastic and normal Christmas. I felt like there was a cloud hanging over my day. I could forget my pain for a few moments, but it was never far from the surface. When Olivia laid down for her nap, I tried to do the same. I didn't get a whole lot of sleep, but some quiet time to let my emotions out was much needed. My emotions are very raw and difficult to contain....between the pain meds, the hormones, the exhaustion, the loss....there's just not a lot of ability to keep my tears at bay. Sometimes I am not sure how my eyes are ever dry, but they are. I think I am healing. For the first time in a long time I feel like there is healing happening and I am perhaps moving out of this instead of treading water in the middle of it. There is some relief that we finally have closure and that we are no longer waiting for the worst day of our lives; that day is done and we survived it, by the grace of God.

Friday December 24, 2010

Our plan for Christmas Eve was to have the kids open our presents in the morning and then open presents from my parents in the evening after church, we wanted to keep to plan as closely as possible. We were eager to leave the hospital and get home. It was very difficult to leave empty handed. I cried all the way. I even asked the nurse if there were any babies at the hospital that needed a mommy. It was pathetic, but I thought that there could be a scared young girl needing a safe place for her baby. There actually was such a girl there, but she had already chosen adoptive parents.
We arrived home around 11:30 am, just as Andrew started throwing up. Nothing like a sick child to pull you out of your sadness and throw you into your mom role. He didn't feel like opening any presents for a while, but started to feel better about 7:00 and they opened all their gifts as we had planned. It was a fantastic distraction. My parents stayed until around midnight and helped us set up for Santa and clean up the house a bit.
I held together pretty well until I looked at a picture of Lucas on my phone. I talked for a while and began to feel a bit better.

Thursday December 23, 2010

I was determined to come home Thursday night, but my pain level from the cesarean just wouldn't allow it. The day went quickly. We had family at the hospital all day, I can't imagine going through this without their support. Mike's sister Heather and her family watched the kids all day. That was great because our parents could be with us, but also our kids had a blast and I knew they would not be missing us! Our second night in the hospital was a little more difficult, we weren't as exhausted so sleeping was a little more difficult.

Wednesday December 22, 2010 (31 weeks)

2am-I woke up shivering. I put on socks, curled up in a ball and tried to sleep.
6am-still shivering, I rolled Mike over and made him cuddle with me. I finally started to feel warm and I slept until 7:00.
7am-got up to use the restroom and instead threw up a couple times. At this point I was having horrible stomach cramps and decided I had the flu. I called my mom to see if she could help with the kids for the morning so I could get a nap.
8am-Mike left for work and my mom arrived. I laid in bed until 10:30.
10:30-I got up and had a few crackers, felt awful. The stomach cramps were getting worse. I went back to bed and texted Mike that I thought it was weird I hadn't felt Lucas move all morning. Typically, I feel him a lot when I lay still.
2:00-realized my stomach pains were growing very intense and coming every 2 minutes. I started to freak out that I hadn't felt Lucas since the night before. When I got up this time there was blood.
I called the doctor and they told me to go straight to the hospital. I called Mike and told him I was in labor. My mom called my in-laws to come over and watch the kids. Divinely, Chris and Cris (Mike's sister and brother in law) were there and came with Mike's dad to take care of them.
3:00-we arrived at the hospital and a couple nurses worked to find Lucas' heartbeat, they couldn't. We had to wait on the doctor to arrive to confirm with an ultrasound that he had passed. At this point I was having pretty severe contractions, which were only magnified by the situation.
3:45-The doctor arrived and confirmed that Lucas' heart was still. Due to the severity of my labor and the bleeding things moved pretty quickly.
4:00-they began prepping me for the c-section, we had to wait an eternity for the labs to come back and they wheeled me into the OR around 5:00.
5:23-Lucas was born. Of course there was no sound, the anesthesiologist leaned down and told me he had been born. He weighed 2 pounds, 11 ounces and was 14 inches long. They wrapped him up and handed him to Mike. I tried to hold him, but couldn't control my crying, between that, the spinal and the surgery I couldn't breathe. I handed him back to Mike and he held him while they sewed me up. Lucas looked like a perfect sleeping baby, I asked the nurse if he was really dead. It didn't seem possible. I asked the doctor if my previous incisions looked okay and she said my insides were beautiful and that more cesareans would not be an issue (one bit of happy news).
6:00-they wheeled me into my recovery room where my parents, Mike's parents, Mike's sister Heather, and my best friend Michelle were waiting for us. Lucas came in a few moments later and I was able to really hold him and look at him. We let other people hold him briefly, but for the most part I held him. He was beautiful, tiny, but by all appearances, perfect. His hands were not clenched tightly like they told be they were, the omphalocele at his belly button was very small and looked more like a fattened cord then a lump of intestines. His ears were set a bit low as is common with t18 and his chin was small. He had the same nose as my other two kids and was amazing and perfect to me.
6:30-I was moved to my room and Cris and my grandparents arrived. I think everyone was able to hold him and love him.
8:00-most people left.
8:15-I asked the nurse to bathe him, she bathed him in the room where I could see and then I dressed him in the outfit I had bought for him. The remainder of the people went home and Mike and I sat with our son. After some time went by we began discussing at what point we say goodbye. We decided it would never feel like the "right" time to say goodbye to our baby. Around 9:00 the nurse said she would be back to check on us in an hour, we decided that when she returned we would do it. We spent these minutes hugging, kissing and cuddling him. I told him all the things I wanted him to know; how much we loved him, how much we wanted him, how sorry we were, how thankful we were for the time we had with him. We told him we would see him again and that we couldn't wait to hold him in Heaven. We told him about his brother and sister and how much they loved him. We told him was a special little boy who would be spending his first Christmas celebrating with Jesus! We took a lot of pictures of him and of us with him. It was difficult to smile, but we tried. There was joy, it was small and pushed aside by a lot of sadness, but we were able to find joy in Lucas just as we find in Andrew and Olivia.
10:15-The nurse returned. I said goodbye and handed Lucas to Mike. He placed him in the bassinet. We were beyond hysterics as the nurse wheeled him out. A piece of us was leaving and we would never see him again. There are no words that even begin to describe all the things we were feeling in those moments. The 5 hours we spent with our son were wonderful, but no where near long enough.
11:30-We calmed down and got ready for bed. Crying hysterically was becoming more and more painful as the spinal wore off and I had to stop and move forward and try to get some sleep.

Monday December 20, 2010

Went to the ob/gyn today. We discussed what day we will do the c-section. It looks like February 15th is the day (assuming we make it that far). It was difficult to discuss this, I know we were choosing the day of Lucas' birth, but it felt a lot like choosing his date of death.
I have decided that the last few months of my life have aged me years instead of months. When I look in the mirror I see the obvious changes; the belly, the 25 pounds, but I also see a change in my face. I don't know if it is exhaustion or stress or likely both, but when I look at myself I see someone who is much older than 29.
We are marching on toward Christmas, doing our very best to stay extra busy. I have a feeling Christmas will be a difficult day. Please pray that it is a joyful day...that we can keep the focus on Christ and celebrate what his birth meant for us. Especially, in this situation, knowing that Lucas will be resting in the arms of Jesus and that we will see him again is an immeasurable gift.

Tuesday December 14, 2010

Tonight we moved Olivia to a toddler bed (she was climbing out of her crib). I thought that we when she moved into a big girl bed I would be getting the crib ready for Lucas. It hit pretty hard that we would be taking it apart and putting it in the basement. It just wasn't part of my plan. I feel like this is just another reminder of what we are losing. As I get closer to the end of this pregnancy there are more and more reminders. My "emotional bank account" is so overdrawn that I have nothing left to pull from. I worry that the kids feel this and that it is effecting them. I do my best to keep life moving along normally, but after 9 weeks of it I am exhausted. How I will make through another 8 weeks, I have no idea. All I can do is pray for sustainment.

Thursday December 9, 2010

I have been cruising along for about a week without any emotional meltdowns. Life has been busy, the Christmas season always is. Andrew had his first school play, it was the cutest thing I have ever seen, I was so proud. I have been baking and shopping and doing my best to pretend that we are not in this situation with Lucas. However, that all ended at our appointment with the perinatologist this morning. He did not have any new information and there is really not much to report. Lucas is measuring exactly one week small, not unusual for any baby and everything else is unchanged. I guess that was the problem. We have prayed so fervently for healing and to go to this appointment and see that he hasn't been healed was like hearing everything for the first time. I knew that it was unlikely that he would be healed, but the hope that he might be sustains me in between these appointments. The doctor did a 3D sonogram and gave us some pictures of his face. I think he looks like Andrew. We are trying to decide if we want to do a full 3D sono, I would like to have it, but it seems almost impossible to actually do it. Seeing him in that way just made it so real, I have a beautiful baby inside of me, but soon I will have to say goodbye.
I had a rough time pulling it together after the appointment. Mike and I sat in the car for a long time crying and then I took him back to work. I thought I was ready to go home, but I couldn't face the kids. I was still crying the "ugly cry" where you sob outloud and can't breathe so I went to see my parents and calm down. I finally pulled it together enough to go home. Andrew was eager to see the pictures and said he wanted to hug Lucas, while he was hugging him to told him that he loved him. It has been 8 weeks since we found out we were going to lose Lucas, the closer we get to delivery the more real and painful this becomes. I feel like there are so many emotions going on inside of me that it is impossible to verbalize them. I just feel like a mess.

Wednesday December 1, 2010 (28 weeks)

28 weeks...3rd trimester begins.

Tuesday November 30, 2010

Andrew's comments are killing me. Today he told Olivia to go give Lucas a hug, which totally confused her. I asked him if he thought about Lucas a lot and he said that he thinks about him all the time and prays for him all the time. Then the says to me that I don't know that Lucas' heart isn't fixed, God may have fixed it and I just don't know yet. He's right, but I tried to have a conversation with him about God's will and that it may not be his will to heal Lucas. I haven't figured out how to balance faith that God can heal with the reality that it is unlikely....how do I explain that to Andrew? His final comment was that God may just want Lucas to be with Him right away. Ugh.

Sunday November 28, 2010

As we were getting out the Christmas decorations Andrew found 5 snowmen and lined them up. He said, "this one is mom, dad, Olivia, me and this one is Lucas, I will put him by me." Later he was talking about seeing Lucas and that he thought he wouldn't get to see him but that I would see him as his head came out. I didn't know what to say. He is obviously thinking about Lucas. I told him that I didn't know what was going to happen, but if it was possible he could see Lucas. I feel like this is something that I shouldn't have to deal with let alone my four year old. Perhaps this conversation will help us decide at what point we introduce the boys to one another. I don't know.

Saturday November 27, 2010

I think that I have always believed and known down deep that the only thing I can really rely on in this world is God. I thought that I relied on God, but truly I am a proud, self sufficient person who doesn't like to rely on anyone or at least not admit that I do. However, never before have I been so broken, isolated, terrified and helpless as now. I feel that I really understand now what it means to rely on God. In the moments when I sob and cry out to Him and the times when I feel as if I can't go on, He is it. He is enough and He reminds me of all the reasons I have to take another step and keep going for my family. He shines His light in this darkness and I can see there are good things happening to me all around this situation. I have no idea how I would walk through this without his arm around me. I believe that Lucas' life will bring glory to God and perhaps this is just one of the ways that it will happen. Hope is a wonderful thing, I have hope that Lucas will be healed, and I have the hope of knowing that I will see my baby in Heaven someday.

Monday November 22, 2010

This morning we met with a doctor from the team of neonatologists that will a part of Lucas' birth. I was completely dreading this meeting and for good reason. We spent an hour talking and crying about what should be a happy day, but instead is going to be the worst day of our lives. The information we received was very valuable, but still very difficult to hear. The doctor was fantastic and we were very pleased with her. I will just outline what we discussed.
-If Lucas is stillborn we will get to hold him for as long as we wish and then he will be taken to the morgue and we will need to make arrangements for his cremation with a funeral home. After we say goodbye I will be moved out of the maternity ward.
-If Lucas is born alive, he will be brought directly to me and I will get to hold him while my doctor finishes the C-section. Then, they will clean him up and bandage his stomach. At that point we will have him with us until he passes. If he lives past 4-6 hours they will feed him with a feeding tube, t18 babies can rarely suck. I will have to decide if I will pump for him or give him formula.
-Because he has significant structural abnormalities, the neonatologist guesses (and it is purely and educated guess) that if he survives to birth he will not survive more than a couple days.

I feel like I am writing a textbook, just sharing factual information...it is very difficult to fathom that this is our reality. I can see my belly move as I sit and type this. I guess I will do my best to turn my focus to Thanksgiving and try my best to remember that I am very blessed and have a lot to be thankful for.

Wednesday November 17, 2010 (26 wks)

Slow days are torture. Yesterday was pretty calm and we spent the afternoon at home. I decided to read some of the literature from the perinatologist while Olivia napped, big mistake. It quickly turned into crying/sobbing. I think Andrew was aware of it because he had a little melt down later and was crying for a reason he couldn't really tell me. I believe there is no harm in him seeing my emotions and him knowing that Mommy is hurting because I love Lucas, but it is hard to know that my emotions effect him in that way.
Today was better because we were busy, we spent the afternoon at the vet. consulting with the doctor about the surgery our black lab will be having tomorrow. I guess that old "when it rains it pours" saying is true. I am thankful that we can fix Bear, it feels good to be able to fix something.
The neonatologists office called to set up our appointment, we meet with them next Monday. We should learn a lot about what Lucas' time will be like if we make it to term. It is going to be a difficult appointment, but I am hoping we will learn a lot about how this will all go. Knowledge is a double edged sword.

Monday November 15, 2010

Our weekend away was wonderful. It was nice to spend some time together not thinking about anything. Before we left we discussed how we want the end of this to go. We decided not to talk about a live birth scenario because we will be meeting with the neonatal team in the next few weeks and felt it would be premature to make decisions before that meeting. For a still birth scenario we decided to deliver at Olathe Med and that we would cremate. We also discussed who would be a part of the end moments. We will spend whatever time we need to alone with the baby and then close family who would like to say goodbye to him will have an opportunity. We are not going to let anyone else hold him, we feel weird about passing around our dead son. It was good to talk about his before we were in the moment, Mike and I had different ideas of what the end would look like.
The best thing about our weekend was that we gave our son a name, Lucas Richard Paton. We had liked this name before we found out the t18 diagnosis and debated about whether we should use a name we love for a baby we know we won't be able to raise or save it for a possible future baby. We came to the conclusion that Lucas is our son, our baby for however long we have him and we love him, so of course we should give him this name. It felt good to make these decisions, in a time of such uncertainty.

Friday November 12, 2010

Yesterday, my best friend in the whole world had beautiful twin girls. It was difficult to spend the day in the maternity ward, but also encouraging to know that life goes on and it will go on for us as well. This morning we met with the genetic counselor, she didn't have any information that really changed anything, but did help clarify some things for us. My first question was, “before we had trisomy 18 we could fix his heart and intestines, why can't we still do that? What exactly changed with the t18 diagnosis? The genetic counselor gave the following explanation; the chromosome error that causes t18 occurs before conception with either the egg or the sperm, there is no way of knowing. The body divides its chromosomes (because we have 23 pairs) in half basically as it forms the egg/sperm. In our situation there was an error with chromosome 18 and instead of dividing one and one it divided two and zero. Then those 2 met up with the other parent's one it made three 18 chromosomes. Because this happens at such an early stage, even before conception, this error is in every cell of his body. It affects everything from what we can see on the sono to his immune system and every system of his body. So, if we did do heart surgery and fix his heart, he would likely die from an infection or would be unable to heal because his cells do not reproduce correctly. Even the placenta has t18 because it forms from those first cells as well, that is why t18 babies are often small and die inutero. The counselor also said that this chromosome division error happens equally with all 23 chromosomes. Trisomy 13, 18, and 21 (down syndrome) are the only trisomies that ever make it to full term. The others end in first trimester miscarriages or often before a woman even knows she is pregnant. This information was very helpful for us in feeling more comfortable with future pregnancies. I should note that there are some trisomies that have genetic links and we are blessed to not have one of those.

Wednesday November 10, 2010 (25 wks)

It has been a roller coaster of emotions over the last few weeks. I have grieved and cried, but over the last few days I have become indignant and full of questions. I tend to question things, in general, I don't accept things at face value. I have a need to dig deeper and really understand. I realized that I had just accepted what this doctor had told me, that my baby would die, whether it be tomorrow or in the next few months, the end result for my son was death. Why was I willing to accept that? So, I began doing a lot of internet research. The problem with my research was that internet information is not always accurate and in reading case studies there were outcomes, but not exact explanations of symptoms and what type of trisomy 18 the child had. My research led me to more questions than answers, but I am prepared to go to our appointment on Friday with the perinatologist and genetic counselor and get some answers. I feel more in control of the situation. I guess that is something.

Tuesday November 2, 2010

I have spent a lot of time thinking about how this will all end. It is a horrible thing to think about, but I want to be prepared for whatever scenario comes our way. Mike is having a hard time talking with me about this so I booked a surprise weekend away for us. We can talk about all this and then hopefully have some fun. We have a lot of decisions to make. The easiest scenario seems to be that he will pass inutero. It seems selfish and awful to think this way, but it does seem the easiest. If we make it to term there will be so many decisions to make and what if he lives for a few days or a few weeks, it will be harder for everyone to let go. I am thankful that this is in God's hands and out of mine, that is the only comfort I can find.

Monday October 25, 2010

We muddled through the rest of the week. We made it our goal to not be idle. I made play dates and we had dinner with someone every night. After the kids went to bed, Mike and I would play video games or watch television. Anything to keep our minds off the one thing that it was impossible to forget, we were going to lose our son.
We had another appointment with the perinatologist today. He confirmed what all our internet research had said. We were going to lose our baby, it could be tomorrow or next week, next month or he could survive a few hours or days, even weeks after being born, but the end result would be the same. Talking to him made it all very raw again. It was a difficult day. After our appointment we came home and made a few phone calls, put out a request for prayer to our church and on facebook. Our son had been given a death sentence, but I still wasn't giving up. We serve a God who heals and we will continue to pray for healing. I try hard to balance my faith and belief in healing with the realism that God may choose not to heal my baby. I may never understand all this, but can only trust God has a plan for my family and my baby boy. We did our best to pull ourselves together, picked up the kids and went to Chuck E. Cheese. What better way to forget my troubles than immersing yourself in my beautiful children.

Monday October 18, 2010

What a difference a week makes. Last Monday we were eager to find out if we were having a boy or girl and today we will find out if our baby has serious problems. The doctor told us that our baby did in fact have an omphalacele, had a gap between the chambers of his heart, was missing a structure in his brain that connects the left and right cerebellum and one kidney was not functioning. The shock, disappointment, disbelief we felt in those first moments were too much to describe. Then the doctor asked me a question I never thought I would be asked, did I want to end the pregnancy. My answer was quick, no. Besides my ethical convictions, this was my baby and I would not give up that easy. He told us that the heart could be fixed, the intestines could be repaired, and the kidney was not a huge issue. The missing brain structure could cause balance and coordination issues, I can handle that. Then the other shoe fell. He said that when a baby has this many issues they look to a chromosomal abnormality that might be the root of all these problems. He wanted to do an amnio. We agreed and it was over a few minutes later. Then he said the words that changed everything, depending on the results of the amnio it may not be in the baby's best interest to fix all these problems. That is when the tears came. Before that moment, I felt like we had a big battle ahead of us, but we could do it. Now, I wondered if I would even get the chance to go to battle. We left in shock and in uncontrollable sobs. Is this real? Is this happening to us? We are in our twenties and we have 2 perfect children. What is going on? What do we do now?

Wednesday October 20, 2010
I spent Monday afternoon and all of Tuesday making my battle plan. I did not allow myself to think about the worst case scenerio. I was making plans and preparing for a long stay at Children's Mercy. We could do it. I had childcare lined up, people to take the dogs out, a schedule for when I would be at the hospital. I was ready. We told all the family and close friends, they were right there with us, ready to go into the most important battle we had ever fought.
Wednesday morning felt very different. I took Andrew to school, cried. I took Olivia to gymnastics, cried. After gymnastics I was hysterical and couldn't face going home. I called my mom and she came over right away. She was only in my house for about 2 minutes when the phone rang. It was the doctor, the amnio results were back. I took the phone down the hallway away from the noise of the living room. I was half way down the hall when he said its trisomy 18. I collapsed to the ground in a kind of hysterics I had never experienced. I couldn't see, think, hear or breathe. I handed the phone to my mom and she talked to the doctor, he told her most babies, boys especially, don't make it to term. She held me in the hall for a few minutes and then I asked her to call my husband. She told him the doctor called and he needed come home immediately. I can't imagine what his drive home was like. When Mike arrived 15 minutes later I was still in the hallway. I mumbled that it was trisomy 18 and that I was so sorry. We held each other and cried for a long time. My mother-in-law came and picked up Olivia and got Andrew at preschool. My dad, Mike's dad, and my best friend came over. Other people came later. They cried with us and then tried to keep our minds occupied. It is all kind of a blur. I cried on and off throughout the day as more things came to mind. There were so many decisions....if he makes it to term what do we do? How do you sign a DNR on your baby? Burial or cremation? Should we buy 3 plots so we can be buried with his someday? What do we tell Andrew? How do I get out of bed tomorrow? How do I spend the next 4 months waiting for my baby to die inside of me. It was all too much. I cried and prayed and did my best to be there for my children. I had survived the worst day of my life, but I knew a far worse day was coming.

Friday October 15, 2010

We saw the doctor and our nightmare began. He told us our baby had a omphalcele, his intestines were in his umbilical cord. He mentioned that there were other concerns with his heart and brain, but that we shouldn't freak out. He referred us to a perinatologist. It was Friday, we had to wait until Monday.

Wednesday October 13, 2010 (21 wks)

My ob/gyn office called to ask if I could come in on Friday to discuss my sonogram results with my doctor. This had never happened before. I was nervous. I called back and asked if this was normal, the nurse said it wasn't out of the ordinary and I had nothing to worry about. I worried anyway.

Monday October 11, 2010

We went in for our 20 week sonogram eager to find out whether we were having a boy or girl, that was our only concern. Our sonogram took well over an hour. The sonogram technician said she was having trouble getting a clear shot of his heart. She called in someone else to help. We left feeling like our sonographer was a bit inept, but we weren't concerned about our son. We were so excited to tell our older son, Andrew, that he would have a baby brother, he was very excited too. It was a great moment. We told all our family and showed off our beautiful pictures.

How it all began....

I knew I wanted to have a third baby while I was still pregnant with my second child. When she was 15 months old we decided to try for number three the following month, but we didn't have a chance because we found out we were already expecting! My due date would be February 23^rd, 2 days before my birthday and about 2 weeks after my daughter's second birthday. It all seemed quite perfect and things were going just as we had planned.

My pregnancy seemed normal (for me). The morning sickness started around 7 weeks and I began taking medicine to combat that. I was tired and pukey, but it was what I expected. What I didn't expect was the lack of joy I was experiencing. I didn't feel the same excitement that I had with my previous pregnancies. My best friend had experienced two miscarriages in the last year and I figured I was just nervous and tired.

At 8 weeks I began spotting. I immediately called my best friend and I assumed that my pregnancy would end as hers had. I saw my doctor, he told me to take it easy, but there wasn't really anything we could do at this point to save the pregnancy. I laid around for 2 weeks while my mother-in-law, mom, husband and others took care of me and the kids. The bleeding stopped and I began to relax some, but I never felt the joy or peace I had experienced with my other pregnancies.