Saturday December 25, 2010

Christmas! Typically, we do the Santa thing and then load up and head to Mike's parents' house for the morning and early afternoon. We spend the late afternoon and evening at my grandparents' house. Of course, having just had a cesarean, I was not up for all this. Thankfully, Mike's family was willing to bring Christmas to us. They all came and brought all the food and everything. The kids had a fantastic and normal Christmas. I felt like there was a cloud hanging over my day. I could forget my pain for a few moments, but it was never far from the surface. When Olivia laid down for her nap, I tried to do the same. I didn't get a whole lot of sleep, but some quiet time to let my emotions out was much needed. My emotions are very raw and difficult to contain....between the pain meds, the hormones, the exhaustion, the loss....there's just not a lot of ability to keep my tears at bay. Sometimes I am not sure how my eyes are ever dry, but they are. I think I am healing. For the first time in a long time I feel like there is healing happening and I am perhaps moving out of this instead of treading water in the middle of it. There is some relief that we finally have closure and that we are no longer waiting for the worst day of our lives; that day is done and we survived it, by the grace of God.