Thursday December 30, 2010

I know that my baby was in Heaven before I even knew he had died. But, it is still really difficult to think about and deal with his body. My parents have been handling most of this. But, I needed to know where he was and what he was in. We chose to have Lucas cremated and our original plan was to place him in an above ground mausoleum. However, I guess there aren't any of those around here. My dad thought he found one, but they bury the ashes in the ground in a section of the cemetery called baby land. That name creeps me out. I don't want him buried because I am not ready to make a final decision about where that should be. I did not think that this was something I needed to plan for at this time in my life. Now we don't know what to do with his ashes. Do we put them in our safe, my parents offered their safe, we have discussed a safe deposit box at the bank. None of these seem like the right place to put my baby. I didn't expect to have such an issue with this. I know that his body is just an empty shell and that his soul is in in Heaven, so why is this so hard? I guess it is hard just like every other piece of this situation has been. You just shouldn't have to bury your children, it feels wrong and unnatural and all together awful.