Thursday December 9, 2010

I have been cruising along for about a week without any emotional meltdowns. Life has been busy, the Christmas season always is. Andrew had his first school play, it was the cutest thing I have ever seen, I was so proud. I have been baking and shopping and doing my best to pretend that we are not in this situation with Lucas. However, that all ended at our appointment with the perinatologist this morning. He did not have any new information and there is really not much to report. Lucas is measuring exactly one week small, not unusual for any baby and everything else is unchanged. I guess that was the problem. We have prayed so fervently for healing and to go to this appointment and see that he hasn't been healed was like hearing everything for the first time. I knew that it was unlikely that he would be healed, but the hope that he might be sustains me in between these appointments. The doctor did a 3D sonogram and gave us some pictures of his face. I think he looks like Andrew. We are trying to decide if we want to do a full 3D sono, I would like to have it, but it seems almost impossible to actually do it. Seeing him in that way just made it so real, I have a beautiful baby inside of me, but soon I will have to say goodbye.
I had a rough time pulling it together after the appointment. Mike and I sat in the car for a long time crying and then I took him back to work. I thought I was ready to go home, but I couldn't face the kids. I was still crying the "ugly cry" where you sob outloud and can't breathe so I went to see my parents and calm down. I finally pulled it together enough to go home. Andrew was eager to see the pictures and said he wanted to hug Lucas, while he was hugging him to told him that he loved him. It has been 8 weeks since we found out we were going to lose Lucas, the closer we get to delivery the more real and painful this becomes. I feel like there are so many emotions going on inside of me that it is impossible to verbalize them. I just feel like a mess.