Some ugly truths....I think I am out of tears, I feel like I am crying constantly on the inside, but few tears actually come. Tonight they came more than usual.
Nothing could have prepared me for holding a lifeless baby. I did not realize the limpness and color that I would see. I wasn't ready to see Lucas that way and when I think of him I see a plump, pink and strong baby growing inside of me.
A c-section hurts a lot worse when you aren't holding your newborn in your arms.
My breasts are like an unemployed worker, they are ready and eager to provide valuable nourishment to my precious baby, but they can't find a job.
Everything is a reminder of what I have lost, tonight I feel that more than I have in the past few days. I am mad, furious, pissed at this whole thing. I want my baby back.
I have a new follower that I do not know....I am guessing that you are walking a road similar to mine. If you want to talk I would be happy to give you my phone number, email me at emilypaton03@yahoo.com if you want to. I spoke with a friend of a friend early on and it was really helpful to me (thanks Caitlin).
Time to take my sleeping pills so I can rest this brain that won't quit. Until next time.....
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