3 weeks have gone very quickly. The kids have kept me going. We are back into our normal routine and I feel pretty normal physically. Mike and I have good days and bad, there have been days when I haven't cried. Those days are beginning to come more frequently. I am planning for the future, Mike and I are taking a trip for my 30th birthday at the end of February and we are planning on getting pregnant again as soon as the doctor says it is okay. Hope has kept me going through this whole thing and I feel like my hope is getting more hopeful.
Andrew asked yesterday if we could have another baby and if this one could survive. Ugh. I told him that was our plan and Lucas' condition was really rare and that everything should be fine next time, I really believe it will. He then asked a lot of questions about Heaven, he is such a thinker! He wanted to know what it would look like, if people in Heaven can see and hear us down here, if Lucas would grow up or if he would stay a baby. I did my best to describe Heaven and told him that I didn't know for sure what it would be like, but I did know that we would be praising God. He wanted to know if he was going to Heaven next, and I tried to explain how normally older people go to Heaven when their bodies are worn out and they need new ones. I assured him he would go to Heaven after Mommy and Daddy, and oh how I pray that is true. He seemed satisfied with my answers, I wonder what he will ask next?
People have been really wonderful to us, we have been given very kind cards and gifts. I have been told that it is common to lose friends in a situation like this because people don't know what to say to you, so they don't say anything. I am thankful that I have not seen this happening to us. We have an amazing support system of family and friends and I give them a lot of credit for us getting this far, they have been invaluable. Of course, the majority of the credit goes to God. Losing a child is something He knows a lot about and He has certainly carried us through this and continues to do so. I'm not sure when I will be through it, I'm not sure I ever will. But, I am starting to believe that life will feel normal and happy again and losing Lucas will not overshadow everything forever.
i've been meaning to tell you also about molly piper (john piper's daughter-in-law). They lost their baby at full term, i believe, (but can't remember why,) and she really writes about the whole experience so well(?), so realistically, poingnetly, so helpfully, i think.
ReplyDeletemollypiper.com (search "felicity")
and
mollypiper.xanga.com
still praying! and glad to hear you are getting hope-ier. :)