Thursday, December 30, 2010
Thursday December 30, 2010
I know that my baby was in Heaven before I even knew he had died. But, it is still really difficult to think about and deal with his body. My parents have been handling most of this. But, I needed to know where he was and what he was in. We chose to have Lucas cremated and our original plan was to place him in an above ground mausoleum. However, I guess there aren't any of those around here. My dad thought he found one, but they bury the ashes in the ground in a section of the cemetery called baby land. That name creeps me out. I don't want him buried because I am not ready to make a final decision about where that should be. I did not think that this was something I needed to plan for at this time in my life. Now we don't know what to do with his ashes. Do we put them in our safe, my parents offered their safe, we have discussed a safe deposit box at the bank. None of these seem like the right place to put my baby. I didn't expect to have such an issue with this. I know that his body is just an empty shell and that his soul is in in Heaven, so why is this so hard? I guess it is hard just like every other piece of this situation has been. You just shouldn't have to bury your children, it feels wrong and unnatural and all together awful.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Monday December 27, 2010
Some ugly truths....I think I am out of tears, I feel like I am crying constantly on the inside, but few tears actually come. Tonight they came more than usual.
Nothing could have prepared me for holding a lifeless baby. I did not realize the limpness and color that I would see. I wasn't ready to see Lucas that way and when I think of him I see a plump, pink and strong baby growing inside of me.
A c-section hurts a lot worse when you aren't holding your newborn in your arms.
My breasts are like an unemployed worker, they are ready and eager to provide valuable nourishment to my precious baby, but they can't find a job.
Everything is a reminder of what I have lost, tonight I feel that more than I have in the past few days. I am mad, furious, pissed at this whole thing. I want my baby back.
I have a new follower that I do not know....I am guessing that you are walking a road similar to mine. If you want to talk I would be happy to give you my phone number, email me at emilypaton03@yahoo.com if you want to. I spoke with a friend of a friend early on and it was really helpful to me (thanks Caitlin).
Time to take my sleeping pills so I can rest this brain that won't quit. Until next time.....
Nothing could have prepared me for holding a lifeless baby. I did not realize the limpness and color that I would see. I wasn't ready to see Lucas that way and when I think of him I see a plump, pink and strong baby growing inside of me.
A c-section hurts a lot worse when you aren't holding your newborn in your arms.
My breasts are like an unemployed worker, they are ready and eager to provide valuable nourishment to my precious baby, but they can't find a job.
Everything is a reminder of what I have lost, tonight I feel that more than I have in the past few days. I am mad, furious, pissed at this whole thing. I want my baby back.
I have a new follower that I do not know....I am guessing that you are walking a road similar to mine. If you want to talk I would be happy to give you my phone number, email me at emilypaton03@yahoo.com if you want to. I spoke with a friend of a friend early on and it was really helpful to me (thanks Caitlin).
Time to take my sleeping pills so I can rest this brain that won't quit. Until next time.....
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Sunday December 26, 2010
Sunday my family came over that would normally be at my grandparents' house. It was a nice day, kinda quiet. More presents....oh my! We talked about Lucas a little bit and it was okay. I haven't really mentioned Drew's reaction to all of this and that is because he hasn't really had one. I'm not sure if we will see his grief manifest in various ways over the next few weeks or if his 4 year old reaction to all of this was just acceptance and he has moved on. We explained to him what happened and he saw my super cool staples and he just seems really okay. Praise the Lord! I'm not totally sure what happens now. Tomorrow the Christmas festivities will be over and we will start returning to life as usual. Mike is taking at least this next week off work. My dad has thankfully taken care of all the funeral home arrangements. Tomorrow the coroner will sign the death certificate and then the cremation will happen. I am working really hard at not thinking about any of that. We have decided to place his ashes in a mausoleum at a cemetery. Again, my dad is handling all of that. I don't plan on seeing his ashes any time soon. We are not having a formal service for him. There has been a lot of talking and processing happening naturally over the last couple days and we feel like that is the kind of thing we need right now. I will update again. I know his passing is the end of some things, but only the beginning of so many others. I am trusting God to lead me through these next few weeks and months just as he has the past few months. He has given me a lot of hope, this is certainly a tough situation, but even in the midst of it I feel hope.
Saturday December 25, 2010
Christmas! Typically, we do the Santa thing and then load up and head to Mike's parents' house for the morning and early afternoon. We spend the late afternoon and evening at my grandparents' house. Of course, having just had a cesarean, I was not up for all this. Thankfully, Mike's family was willing to bring Christmas to us. They all came and brought all the food and everything. The kids had a fantastic and normal Christmas. I felt like there was a cloud hanging over my day. I could forget my pain for a few moments, but it was never far from the surface. When Olivia laid down for her nap, I tried to do the same. I didn't get a whole lot of sleep, but some quiet time to let my emotions out was much needed. My emotions are very raw and difficult to contain....between the pain meds, the hormones, the exhaustion, the loss....there's just not a lot of ability to keep my tears at bay. Sometimes I am not sure how my eyes are ever dry, but they are. I think I am healing. For the first time in a long time I feel like there is healing happening and I am perhaps moving out of this instead of treading water in the middle of it. There is some relief that we finally have closure and that we are no longer waiting for the worst day of our lives; that day is done and we survived it, by the grace of God.
Friday December 24, 2010
Our plan for Christmas Eve was to have the kids open our presents in the morning and then open presents from my parents in the evening after church, we wanted to keep to plan as closely as possible. We were eager to leave the hospital and get home. It was very difficult to leave empty handed. I cried all the way. I even asked the nurse if there were any babies at the hospital that needed a mommy. It was pathetic, but I thought that there could be a scared young girl needing a safe place for her baby. There actually was such a girl there, but she had already chosen adoptive parents.
We arrived home around 11:30 am, just as Andrew started throwing up. Nothing like a sick child to pull you out of your sadness and throw you into your mom role. He didn't feel like opening any presents for a while, but started to feel better about 7:00 and they opened all their gifts as we had planned. It was a fantastic distraction. My parents stayed until around midnight and helped us set up for Santa and clean up the house a bit.
I held together pretty well until I looked at a picture of Lucas on my phone. I talked for a while and began to feel a bit better.
We arrived home around 11:30 am, just as Andrew started throwing up. Nothing like a sick child to pull you out of your sadness and throw you into your mom role. He didn't feel like opening any presents for a while, but started to feel better about 7:00 and they opened all their gifts as we had planned. It was a fantastic distraction. My parents stayed until around midnight and helped us set up for Santa and clean up the house a bit.
I held together pretty well until I looked at a picture of Lucas on my phone. I talked for a while and began to feel a bit better.
Thursday December 23, 2010
I was determined to come home Thursday night, but my pain level from the cesarean just wouldn't allow it. The day went quickly. We had family at the hospital all day, I can't imagine going through this without their support. Mike's sister Heather and her family watched the kids all day. That was great because our parents could be with us, but also our kids had a blast and I knew they would not be missing us! Our second night in the hospital was a little more difficult, we weren't as exhausted so sleeping was a little more difficult.
Wednesday December 22, 2010 (31 weeks)
2am-I woke up shivering. I put on socks, curled up in a ball and tried to sleep.
6am-still shivering, I rolled Mike over and made him cuddle with me. I finally started to feel warm and I slept until 7:00.
7am-got up to use the restroom and instead threw up a couple times. At this point I was having horrible stomach cramps and decided I had the flu. I called my mom to see if she could help with the kids for the morning so I could get a nap.
8am-Mike left for work and my mom arrived. I laid in bed until 10:30.
10:30-I got up and had a few crackers, felt awful. The stomach cramps were getting worse. I went back to bed and texted Mike that I thought it was weird I hadn't felt Lucas move all morning. Typically, I feel him a lot when I lay still.
2:00-realized my stomach pains were growing very intense and coming every 2 minutes. I started to freak out that I hadn't felt Lucas since the night before. When I got up this time there was blood.
I called the doctor and they told me to go straight to the hospital. I called Mike and told him I was in labor. My mom called my in-laws to come over and watch the kids. Divinely, Chris and Cris (Mike's sister and brother in law) were there and came with Mike's dad to take care of them.
3:00-we arrived at the hospital and a couple nurses worked to find Lucas' heartbeat, they couldn't. We had to wait on the doctor to arrive to confirm with an ultrasound that he had passed. At this point I was having pretty severe contractions, which were only magnified by the situation.
3:45-The doctor arrived and confirmed that Lucas' heart was still. Due to the severity of my labor and the bleeding things moved pretty quickly.
4:00-they began prepping me for the c-section, we had to wait an eternity for the labs to come back and they wheeled me into the OR around 5:00.
5:23-Lucas was born. Of course there was no sound, the anesthesiologist leaned down and told me he had been born. He weighed 2 pounds, 11 ounces and was 14 inches long. They wrapped him up and handed him to Mike. I tried to hold him, but couldn't control my crying, between that, the spinal and the surgery I couldn't breathe. I handed him back to Mike and he held him while they sewed me up. Lucas looked like a perfect sleeping baby, I asked the nurse if he was really dead. It didn't seem possible. I asked the doctor if my previous incisions looked okay and she said my insides were beautiful and that more cesareans would not be an issue (one bit of happy news).
6:00-they wheeled me into my recovery room where my parents, Mike's parents, Mike's sister Heather, and my best friend Michelle were waiting for us. Lucas came in a few moments later and I was able to really hold him and look at him. We let other people hold him briefly, but for the most part I held him. He was beautiful, tiny, but by all appearances, perfect. His hands were not clenched tightly like they told be they were, the omphalocele at his belly button was very small and looked more like a fattened cord then a lump of intestines. His ears were set a bit low as is common with t18 and his chin was small. He had the same nose as my other two kids and was amazing and perfect to me.
6:30-I was moved to my room and Cris and my grandparents arrived. I think everyone was able to hold him and love him.
8:00-most people left.
8:15-I asked the nurse to bathe him, she bathed him in the room where I could see and then I dressed him in the outfit I had bought for him. The remainder of the people went home and Mike and I sat with our son. After some time went by we began discussing at what point we say goodbye. We decided it would never feel like the "right" time to say goodbye to our baby. Around 9:00 the nurse said she would be back to check on us in an hour, we decided that when she returned we would do it. We spent these minutes hugging, kissing and cuddling him. I told him all the things I wanted him to know; how much we loved him, how much we wanted him, how sorry we were, how thankful we were for the time we had with him. We told him we would see him again and that we couldn't wait to hold him in Heaven. We told him about his brother and sister and how much they loved him. We told him was a special little boy who would be spending his first Christmas celebrating with Jesus! We took a lot of pictures of him and of us with him. It was difficult to smile, but we tried. There was joy, it was small and pushed aside by a lot of sadness, but we were able to find joy in Lucas just as we find in Andrew and Olivia.
10:15-The nurse returned. I said goodbye and handed Lucas to Mike. He placed him in the bassinet. We were beyond hysterics as the nurse wheeled him out. A piece of us was leaving and we would never see him again. There are no words that even begin to describe all the things we were feeling in those moments. The 5 hours we spent with our son were wonderful, but no where near long enough.
11:30-We calmed down and got ready for bed. Crying hysterically was becoming more and more painful as the spinal wore off and I had to stop and move forward and try to get some sleep.
6am-still shivering, I rolled Mike over and made him cuddle with me. I finally started to feel warm and I slept until 7:00.
7am-got up to use the restroom and instead threw up a couple times. At this point I was having horrible stomach cramps and decided I had the flu. I called my mom to see if she could help with the kids for the morning so I could get a nap.
8am-Mike left for work and my mom arrived. I laid in bed until 10:30.
10:30-I got up and had a few crackers, felt awful. The stomach cramps were getting worse. I went back to bed and texted Mike that I thought it was weird I hadn't felt Lucas move all morning. Typically, I feel him a lot when I lay still.
2:00-realized my stomach pains were growing very intense and coming every 2 minutes. I started to freak out that I hadn't felt Lucas since the night before. When I got up this time there was blood.
I called the doctor and they told me to go straight to the hospital. I called Mike and told him I was in labor. My mom called my in-laws to come over and watch the kids. Divinely, Chris and Cris (Mike's sister and brother in law) were there and came with Mike's dad to take care of them.
3:00-we arrived at the hospital and a couple nurses worked to find Lucas' heartbeat, they couldn't. We had to wait on the doctor to arrive to confirm with an ultrasound that he had passed. At this point I was having pretty severe contractions, which were only magnified by the situation.
3:45-The doctor arrived and confirmed that Lucas' heart was still. Due to the severity of my labor and the bleeding things moved pretty quickly.
4:00-they began prepping me for the c-section, we had to wait an eternity for the labs to come back and they wheeled me into the OR around 5:00.
5:23-Lucas was born. Of course there was no sound, the anesthesiologist leaned down and told me he had been born. He weighed 2 pounds, 11 ounces and was 14 inches long. They wrapped him up and handed him to Mike. I tried to hold him, but couldn't control my crying, between that, the spinal and the surgery I couldn't breathe. I handed him back to Mike and he held him while they sewed me up. Lucas looked like a perfect sleeping baby, I asked the nurse if he was really dead. It didn't seem possible. I asked the doctor if my previous incisions looked okay and she said my insides were beautiful and that more cesareans would not be an issue (one bit of happy news).
6:00-they wheeled me into my recovery room where my parents, Mike's parents, Mike's sister Heather, and my best friend Michelle were waiting for us. Lucas came in a few moments later and I was able to really hold him and look at him. We let other people hold him briefly, but for the most part I held him. He was beautiful, tiny, but by all appearances, perfect. His hands were not clenched tightly like they told be they were, the omphalocele at his belly button was very small and looked more like a fattened cord then a lump of intestines. His ears were set a bit low as is common with t18 and his chin was small. He had the same nose as my other two kids and was amazing and perfect to me.
6:30-I was moved to my room and Cris and my grandparents arrived. I think everyone was able to hold him and love him.
8:00-most people left.
8:15-I asked the nurse to bathe him, she bathed him in the room where I could see and then I dressed him in the outfit I had bought for him. The remainder of the people went home and Mike and I sat with our son. After some time went by we began discussing at what point we say goodbye. We decided it would never feel like the "right" time to say goodbye to our baby. Around 9:00 the nurse said she would be back to check on us in an hour, we decided that when she returned we would do it. We spent these minutes hugging, kissing and cuddling him. I told him all the things I wanted him to know; how much we loved him, how much we wanted him, how sorry we were, how thankful we were for the time we had with him. We told him we would see him again and that we couldn't wait to hold him in Heaven. We told him about his brother and sister and how much they loved him. We told him was a special little boy who would be spending his first Christmas celebrating with Jesus! We took a lot of pictures of him and of us with him. It was difficult to smile, but we tried. There was joy, it was small and pushed aside by a lot of sadness, but we were able to find joy in Lucas just as we find in Andrew and Olivia.
10:15-The nurse returned. I said goodbye and handed Lucas to Mike. He placed him in the bassinet. We were beyond hysterics as the nurse wheeled him out. A piece of us was leaving and we would never see him again. There are no words that even begin to describe all the things we were feeling in those moments. The 5 hours we spent with our son were wonderful, but no where near long enough.
11:30-We calmed down and got ready for bed. Crying hysterically was becoming more and more painful as the spinal wore off and I had to stop and move forward and try to get some sleep.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Monday December 20, 2010
Went to the ob/gyn today. We discussed what day we will do the c-section. It looks like February 15th is the day (assuming we make it that far). It was difficult to discuss this, I know we were choosing the day of Lucas' birth, but it felt a lot like choosing his date of death.
I have decided that the last few months of my life have aged me years instead of months. When I look in the mirror I see the obvious changes; the belly, the 25 pounds, but I also see a change in my face. I don't know if it is exhaustion or stress or likely both, but when I look at myself I see someone who is much older than 29.
We are marching on toward Christmas, doing our very best to stay extra busy. I have a feeling Christmas will be a difficult day. Please pray that it is a joyful day...that we can keep the focus on Christ and celebrate what his birth meant for us. Especially, in this situation, knowing that Lucas will be resting in the arms of Jesus and that we will see him again is an immeasurable gift.
I have decided that the last few months of my life have aged me years instead of months. When I look in the mirror I see the obvious changes; the belly, the 25 pounds, but I also see a change in my face. I don't know if it is exhaustion or stress or likely both, but when I look at myself I see someone who is much older than 29.
We are marching on toward Christmas, doing our very best to stay extra busy. I have a feeling Christmas will be a difficult day. Please pray that it is a joyful day...that we can keep the focus on Christ and celebrate what his birth meant for us. Especially, in this situation, knowing that Lucas will be resting in the arms of Jesus and that we will see him again is an immeasurable gift.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Tuesday December 14, 2010
Tonight we moved Olivia to a toddler bed (she was climbing out of her crib). I thought that we when she moved into a big girl bed I would be getting the crib ready for Lucas. It hit pretty hard that we would be taking it apart and putting it in the basement. It just wasn't part of my plan. I feel like this is just another reminder of what we are losing. As I get closer to the end of this pregnancy there are more and more reminders. My "emotional bank account" is so overdrawn that I have nothing left to pull from. I worry that the kids feel this and that it is effecting them. I do my best to keep life moving along normally, but after 9 weeks of it I am exhausted. How I will make through another 8 weeks, I have no idea. All I can do is pray for sustainment.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Thursday December 9, 2010
I have been cruising along for about a week without any emotional meltdowns. Life has been busy, the Christmas season always is. Andrew had his first school play, it was the cutest thing I have ever seen, I was so proud. I have been baking and shopping and doing my best to pretend that we are not in this situation with Lucas. However, that all ended at our appointment with the perinatologist this morning. He did not have any new information and there is really not much to report. Lucas is measuring exactly one week small, not unusual for any baby and everything else is unchanged. I guess that was the problem. We have prayed so fervently for healing and to go to this appointment and see that he hasn't been healed was like hearing everything for the first time. I knew that it was unlikely that he would be healed, but the hope that he might be sustains me in between these appointments. The doctor did a 3D sonogram and gave us some pictures of his face. I think he looks like Andrew. We are trying to decide if we want to do a full 3D sono, I would like to have it, but it seems almost impossible to actually do it. Seeing him in that way just made it so real, I have a beautiful baby inside of me, but soon I will have to say goodbye.
I had a rough time pulling it together after the appointment. Mike and I sat in the car for a long time crying and then I took him back to work. I thought I was ready to go home, but I couldn't face the kids. I was still crying the "ugly cry" where you sob outloud and can't breathe so I went to see my parents and calm down. I finally pulled it together enough to go home. Andrew was eager to see the pictures and said he wanted to hug Lucas, while he was hugging him to told him that he loved him. It has been 8 weeks since we found out we were going to lose Lucas, the closer we get to delivery the more real and painful this becomes. I feel like there are so many emotions going on inside of me that it is impossible to verbalize them. I just feel like a mess.
I had a rough time pulling it together after the appointment. Mike and I sat in the car for a long time crying and then I took him back to work. I thought I was ready to go home, but I couldn't face the kids. I was still crying the "ugly cry" where you sob outloud and can't breathe so I went to see my parents and calm down. I finally pulled it together enough to go home. Andrew was eager to see the pictures and said he wanted to hug Lucas, while he was hugging him to told him that he loved him. It has been 8 weeks since we found out we were going to lose Lucas, the closer we get to delivery the more real and painful this becomes. I feel like there are so many emotions going on inside of me that it is impossible to verbalize them. I just feel like a mess.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
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